Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.

I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.

Parenthood, the scariest hood to go through. - Anonymous

Parenthood, the scariest hood to go through.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh. - Anonymous

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

Today I will live in the moment... unless that moment becomes unpleasant, in which case I'll take a nap. - Anonymous

Today I will live in the moment... unless that moment becomes unpleasant, in which case I'll take a nap.

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

There's nothing better than good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.

There's nothing better than a good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.

Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face. - Anonymous

Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face.

Sayings

Photo of lioness sitting on grass with quotation about lion being afraid.

A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.

Animals

When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep. - Anonymous

When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.

Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.

Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.

Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.

Stupid Quotes

How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes. - Anonymous

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes.

Short Quotes

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge. - Anonymous

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now. - Anonymous

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now.

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. - Anonymous

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. - Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work. - Anonymous

When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.

Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money. - Anonymous

Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money.

He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!"

He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!" And he thought, "wow this sidewalk is icy!"

In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back. - Anonymous

In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back.

Animals

I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.

I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text. - Anonymous

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.

I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.

I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.

There's just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka. - Anonymous

There's just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka.