Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now. - Anonymous

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now.

A good friend is like a bra: hard to find one you're comfortable with...

A good friend is like a bra: hard to find one you're comfortable with, always provides support, holds you tight and is always close to your heart.

If Monday had a face... I would punch it. - Anonymous

If Monday had a face... I would punch it.

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text. - Anonymous

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. - Anonymous

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

A girl called me once and said 'come over, nobody is home!' I went there and she was right, nobody was home!

A girl called me once and said "come over, nobody is home!" I went there and she was right, nobody was home!

Moments

I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten. - Anonymous

I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday. - Anonymous

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. - Anonymous

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

Near year 2013, resolutions you can keep.

New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.

What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats. - Anonymous

What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats.

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing. - Anonymous

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.

Questions

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. - Anonymous

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.

When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.

When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes. - Anonymous

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes.

Short Quotes

I'm like Pacman when I'm at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me. - Anonymous

I'm like Pacman when I'm at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.

I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.

I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.

When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep. - Anonymous

When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.

I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself, no matter what it takes. - Anonymous

I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself, no matter what it takes.

Be happy, it drives people crazy. - Anonymous

Be happy, it drives people crazy.

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.

Photo of lioness sitting on grass with quotation about lion being afraid.

A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.

Animals