Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.

An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.

People Quotes

I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don't let me come back until I change my attitude. - Anonymous

I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don't let me come back until I change my attitude.

Life Quotes

No one will ever be as entertained by us as us. - Anonymous

No one will ever be as entertained by us as us.

Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X. - Anonymous

Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X.

Wise Quotes

Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. - Anonymous

Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.

How does a train eat? Chew, Chew... - Anonymous

How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive. - Anonymous

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.

Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.

No matter how bad it gets I'm always rich when I go to the dollar store. - Anonymous

No matter how bad it gets I'm always rich when I go to the dollar store.

I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous. - Anonymous

I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.

You know you're a mom when you understand why mama bear's porridge was cold. - Anonymous

You know you're a mom when you understand why mama bear's porridge was cold.

I'm on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle. - Anonymous

I'm on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.

Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. - Anonymous

Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.

Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah. So is a grenade." - Anonymous

Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah. So is a grenade."

In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.

In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.

Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking your money. Please remember to take all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among crew members. - Anonymous

Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking your money. Please remember to take all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among crew members.

We are going to be best friends forever... besides you already know too much. - Anonymous

We are going to be best friends forever... besides you already know too much.

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching.

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.

Marriage Quotes

You and I are really more than friends. We're like a really small gang. - Anonymous

You and I are really more than friends. We're like a really small gang.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.

Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.

Do you ever go out, and then something happens ...

Do you ever go out, and then something happens and you think to yourself 'this is exactly why I don't go out'?

I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom. - Anonymous

I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom.

You just can't live a full life on an empty stomach. - Anonymous

You just can't live a full life on an empty stomach.