Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. - Anonymous

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.

All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.

In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep. - Anonymous

In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.

For you, I would swim across the ocean. LOL, just kidding, there are sharks in there. - Anonymous

For you, I would swim across the ocean. LOL, just kidding, there are sharks in there.

I would cry but my makeup is too expensive. - Anonymous

I would cry but my makeup is too expensive.

Short Quotes

A good friend is like a bra: hard to find one you're comfortable with...

A good friend is like a bra: hard to find one you're comfortable with, always provides support, holds you tight and is always close to your heart.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers. - Anonymous

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. - Anonymous

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!

I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!

Life is always rocky when you're a gem. - Anonymous

Life is always rocky when you're a gem.

What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats. - Anonymous

What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes. - Anonymous

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

Life Quotes

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season. - Anonymous

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season.

Math Quotes

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh. - Anonymous

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

Photo of lioness sitting on grass with quotation about lion being afraid.

A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.

Animals

Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say Help, I've been turned into a parrot.

Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot."

Animals

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?' - Anonymous

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

A text message can lead to a date, which can lead to a kiss, and a wonderful night together. Will you text me? - Anonymous

A text message can lead to a date, which can lead to a kiss, and a wonderful night together. Will you text me?

Love Quotes

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you. - Anonymous

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you.

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. - Anonymous

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work. - Anonymous

When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.

In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back. - Anonymous

In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back.

Animals

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted! - Anonymous

You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching.

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.

Marriage Quotes