Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.

Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.

I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom. - Anonymous

I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom.

Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters. - Anonymous

Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.

You just can't live a full life on an empty stomach. - Anonymous

You just can't live a full life on an empty stomach.

An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width. - Anonymous

An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width.

I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors. - Anonymous

I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. - Anonymous

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent beautiful eyes...

What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent beautiful eyes... But enough about me, how are you doing?

People Quotes

Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far. - Anonymous

Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.

Fortune cookie: You'll have a better fortune in the next cookie.

Fortune cookie: You'll have a better fortune in the next cookie.

Another fine day ruined by responsibilities... - Anonymous

Another fine day ruined by responsibilities...

Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it. - Anonymous

Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new cleaning sponge at the kitchen sink. - Anonymous

You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new cleaning sponge at the kitchen sink.

Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery. - Anonymous

Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.

Out of my mind! Back in five minutes.

Out of my mind! Back in five minutes.

Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing. - Anonymous

Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.

I don't have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.

I don't have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.

A horse is dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle.

A horse is dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle.

I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. - Anonymous

I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?

Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?

I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited. - Anonymous

I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'? - Anonymous

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing! - Anonymous

Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!