Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.

Stupid Quotes

How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes. - Anonymous

When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes.

Short Quotes

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge. - Anonymous

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now. - Anonymous

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now.

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. - Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money. - Anonymous

Cavities are like parking tickets, they show up by surprise and take all your pocket money.

When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work. - Anonymous

When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday. - Anonymous

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.

In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back. - Anonymous

In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and go back.

Animals

I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.

I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing. - Anonymous

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.

Questions

A good friend is like a bra: hard to find one you're comfortable with...

A good friend is like a bra: hard to find one you're comfortable with, always provides support, holds you tight and is always close to your heart.

Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side. - Anonymous

Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. - Anonymous

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it.

A girl called me once and said 'come over, nobody is home!' I went there and she was right, nobody was home!

A girl called me once and said "come over, nobody is home!" I went there and she was right, nobody was home!

Moments

I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten. - Anonymous

I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.

Hmmm this text message is a little too harsh, I'll add LOL at the end. - Anonymous

Hmmm this text message is a little too harsh, I'll add LOL at the end.

Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things. - Anonymous

Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.

What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats. - Anonymous

What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats.

Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits. - Anonymous

Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.

Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin. - Anonymous

Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.