Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Dear sleep, I'm sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back! - Anonymous

Dear sleep, I'm sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline. - Anonymous

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.

My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she's right!

What's your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.

True love is truly amazing only when it's truly true. - Anonymous

True love is truly amazing only when it's truly true.

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet. - Anonymous

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.

What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.

After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy. - Anonymous

After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.

Stupid Quotes

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. - Anonymous

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!

I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?

I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?

When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers. - Anonymous

When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers.

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!' - Anonymous

Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'

Witty Quotes

You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. - Anonymous

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

If you can't remember my name, just say "Chocolate" and I'll turn around. - Anonymous

If you can't remember my name, just say "Chocolate" and I'll turn around.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? - Anonymous

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment. - Anonymous

I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

Sayings

Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments. - Anonymous

Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.

Work Quotes

Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.

Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season. - Anonymous

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season.

Math Quotes

After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF ! - Anonymous

After (M)onday and (T)uesday comes WTF !

I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot. - Anonymous

I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.