Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump. - Anonymous

What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.

I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows. - Anonymous

I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.

Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike. It's not. - Anonymous

Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike. It's not.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

It's really complicated to make something simple.

It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.

Some relationships are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can't live without each other. - Anonymous

Some relationships are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can't live without each other.

Love Quotes

Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living. - Anonymous

Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.

Not to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions. - Anonymous

Not to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park. - Anonymous

Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park.

I always say "morning" instead of "good morning", because if it was a good morning, I'd still be asleep. - Anonymous

I always say "morning" instead of "good morning", because if it was a good morning, I'd still be asleep.

In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?

In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle. - Anonymous

I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.

Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate. - Anonymous

Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.

How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice? - Anonymous

How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?

Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.

Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts.

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!

You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?

If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece. - Anonymous

If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.

Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more. - Anonymous

Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more.

Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.

Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.

If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean...

If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!!

Actual meanings of various terms.

Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. - Anonymous

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.