A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit.
Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
I only want one thing from fake people: distance.
If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.
I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!
A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.
I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.
Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.
Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.
How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more.
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.
There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.
If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.
I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.
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