Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day. - Anonymous

Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day.

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now. - Anonymous

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty.

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty. Then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.

I'm not sure how long my body can handle this "getting out of bed early in the morning" nonsense. - Anonymous

I'm not sure how long my body can handle this "getting out of bed early in the morning" nonsense.

Work Quotes

An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough. - Anonymous

An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. - Anonymous

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I put the "Pro" in procrastinate. - Anonymous

I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. - Anonymous

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better.

Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better. :)
Life: LOL, give me a second!

$Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them. - Anonymous$

Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. - Anonymous

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us. - Anonymous

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day. - Anonymous

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. - Anonymous

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry! - Anonymous

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!

Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending. - Anonymous

Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.

I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone. - Anonymous

I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone.

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out. - Anonymous

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.

People Quotes

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true. - Anonymous

I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true.

Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old. - Anonymous

Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old.

Sayings

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? - Anonymous

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

Asleep first

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor. - Anonymous

If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.