Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today. - Anonymous

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

Short Quotes Work Quotes

You can trust your dog to guard your house.

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

Animals Dog Quotes Eat Quotes

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit. - Anonymous

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit.

Exercise Quotes Short Quotes

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

I only want one thing from fake people: distance. - Anonymous

I only want one thing from fake people: distance.

People Quotes Short Quotes

If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece. - Anonymous

If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.

Eat Quotes Wise Quotes

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!

People Quotes Think Quotes Top 100

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. - Anonymous

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

Analogies Short Quotes Top 100

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing. - Anonymous

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes Statements

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

Life Quotes Never Quotes Short Quotes

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

Life Quotes Top 100

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.

Eat Quotes Moments Short Quotes

Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed. - Anonymous

Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime. - Anonymous

Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.

Friend Quotes Life Quotes Top 100

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it. - Anonymous

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. - Anonymous

If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.

Short Quotes Think Quotes Top 100

How do I like my eggs? In a cake. - Anonymous

How do I like my eggs? In a cake.

Eat Quotes Questions Short Quotes

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more. - Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more.

Short Quotes Think Quotes

Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things. - Anonymous

Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.

Life Quotes Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation. - Anonymous

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.

Short Quotes Top 100 Work Quotes

If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Love Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep. - Anonymous

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.

Lazy Quotes Sleep Quotes

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge. - Anonymous

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes Sleep Quotes