Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them. - Anonymous

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.

Life Quotes People Quotes Phone

Do you have a band-aid, because I just scraped my knee falling in love with you. - Anonymous

Do you have a band-aid, because I just scraped my knee falling in love with you.

I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again! - Anonymous

I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!

Life Quotes Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot. - Anonymous

I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Lazy Quotes Life Quotes Sleep Quotes

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. - Anonymous

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat. - Anonymous

I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.

Exercise Quotes Lazy Quotes Love Quotes

A relationship with a best friend is like a sugarcane... You can crush it, shred it, grind it, squeeze it and it's still sweet. - Anonymous

A relationship with a best friend is like a sugarcane... You can crush it, shred it, grind it, squeeze it and it's still sweet.

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out. - Anonymous

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.

I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful. - Anonymous

I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.

Eat Quotes Life Quotes Sleep Quotes

Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl's best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake. - Anonymous

Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl's best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.

Eat Quotes Friend Quotes Know Quotes

You know what part I like about waking up early? None.. let me go back to sleep. - Anonymous

You know what part I like about waking up early? None.. let me go back to sleep.

Know Quotes Life Quotes Sleep Quotes

On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth. - Anonymous

On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.

Short Quotes Top 100 Work Quotes

I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. - Anonymous

I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.

Exercise Quotes Statements

Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer. - Anonymous

Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.

Know Quotes Marriage Quotes Wife Quotes

Life is always rocky when you're a gem. - Anonymous

Life is always rocky when you're a gem.

Life Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook. - Anonymous

If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.

Facebook Life Quotes Work Quotes

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date. - Anonymous

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

Life Quotes Short Quotes

I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing. - Anonymous

I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

Lazy Quotes Life Quotes Short Quotes

If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos? - Anonymous

If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?

Questions Stupid Quotes

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? - Anonymous

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

Life Quotes Money Quotes Phone

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. - Anonymous

Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.

Life Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day. - Anonymous

Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day.

Exercise Quotes Life Quotes

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty.

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty. Then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes Money Quotes

I'm not sure how long my body can handle this "getting out of bed early in the morning" nonsense. - Anonymous

I'm not sure how long my body can handle this "getting out of bed early in the morning" nonsense.

Asleep first

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

People Quotes Sayings Short Quotes