Now that I'm quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
Yesterday I really wanted tacos, and now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams!
When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don't answer because I'm eating.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you're hungry, and want to stay that way.
Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.
Nutrition labels should include an "What if I ate the whole thing" section.
That moment you're thankful for Coronavirus social distancing rules because you just ate some garlic.
If your New Years Resolution was to eat out less, you're killing it.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Store front sign: Entire store on sale, everything $1 or more.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
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