A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.
If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me!
You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'
It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a shopping cart in a supermarket.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.
That moment you turn down the music while driving around looking for a street address, so you can see better.
Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?
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