I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Stop crying, Monday will be over soon.
There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.
When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!!
Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
If it's the fifth day in a row that you don't feel like working, it means it's finally Friday!
Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
I'm not feeling very worky today.
My boss told me "It's not rocket science." Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.
As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.
My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot.
Work is just something I'm doing until I win the lottery.
Working in a team means spending half your time convincing the others that your idea is better than theirs.
Hate your job? Join our support group! It’s called EVERYBODY. We meet at the bar.
I'm always in a rush to go home, and do absolutely nothing.
Just once I'd like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear "Monday has been cancelled," and then go back to sleep.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Listen, before I had my coffee I didn't know how awesome I was going to be today either.
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