Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. I kinda want this job.
All positions for annoying people in my life have been filled. Applicants need not apply, thank you.
My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
When someone asks where you see yourself in 5 years... Buddy, I'm just trying to make it to Friday.
Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with "Y".
Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.
When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.
There's just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
My boss told me "It's not rocket science." Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
I'm not running away from hard work, I'm too lazy to run.
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm in preschool or school... Oh wait, I'm at work.
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