Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. - Anonymous

I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes.

I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you." - Anonymous

I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you."

I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow. - Anonymous

I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside. - Anonymous

You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.

I noticed you are not noticing me. - Anonymous

I noticed you are not noticing me.

Stop crying, Monday will be over soon.

Stop crying, Monday will be over soon.

It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already. - Anonymous

It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.

If you know something will go wrong and you do everything to stop it from happening, then something else will go wrong. - Anonymous

If you know something will go wrong and you do everything to stop it from happening, then something else will go wrong.

Sayings

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it. - Anonymous

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

Sayings

I have a new hair style today, it's called "I tried." - Anonymous

I have a new hair style today, it's called "I tried."

Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen. - Anonymous

Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? - Anonymous

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?

I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it's someone's birthday and I like to celebrate. - Anonymous

I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it's someone's birthday and I like to celebrate.

Eat Quotes

Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics. - Anonymous

Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.

I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.

I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.

I really should do something with my life... maybe tomorrow. - Anonymous

I really should do something with my life... maybe tomorrow.

I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. - Anonymous

I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button.

Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I'm with you. - Anonymous

Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I'm with you.

Interviewer: Would you say you are independent? Me: *looks at mum*, *mum nods* Me: I'd say so, yes. - Anonymous

Interviewer: Would you say you are independent? Me: *looks at mum*, *mum nods* Me: I'd say so, yes.

Work Quotes

If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza. - Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.

Love is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, it's good to at least have a good hand.

It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.

It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.

Don't wake me up! I'm studying. - Anonymous

Don't wake me up! I'm studying.

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

People Quotes

I know that Einstein's theory of relativity is correct because every weekend goes by twice as fast as normal. - Anonymous

I know that Einstein's theory of relativity is correct because every weekend goes by twice as fast as normal.