Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you." - Anonymous

I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you."

Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics. - Anonymous

Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.

I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. - Anonymous

I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button.

I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. - Anonymous

I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

Zoning out is your brain's way of saying "You look bored. Let me take you to a better place."

Zoning out is your brain's way of saying "You look bored. Let me take you to a better place."

Think Quotes

I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.

I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..

You know you are lazy when you get excited about cancelling your plans. - Anonymous

You know you are lazy when you get excited about cancelling your plans.

If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters. - Anonymous

If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.

I really should do something with my life... maybe tomorrow. - Anonymous

I really should do something with my life... maybe tomorrow.

I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.

I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.

Store front sign: Entire store on sale, everything $1 or more.

My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. - Anonymous

My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy.

What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.

What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.

If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need. - Anonymous

If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it. - Anonymous

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler? - Anonymous

I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?

The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.

Wise Quotes

Tried going out with my girlfriend but by the time she finished putting on her makeup the weekend was over.

Tried going out with my girlfriend but by the time she finished putting on her makeup the weekend was over.

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it. - Anonymous

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.

Your cake

"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?

Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house. - Anonymous

Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.

Love Quotes

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think "I'd tap that." - Anonymous

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think "I'd tap that."

Statements

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza. - Anonymous

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.

Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can't beat surfing the net. - Anonymous

Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can't beat surfing the net.