Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home. - Anonymous

That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home.

I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same. - Anonymous

I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.

Exercise Quotes

Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day. - Anonymous

Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day.

Life Quotes

Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Whew, I got down those stairs fast. - Anonymous

Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Whew, I got down those stairs fast.

Short Quotes

Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.

Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.

Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill. - Anonymous

Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.

Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet. - Anonymous

Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.

I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs. - Anonymous

I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.

I get tired from just thinking of everything I have to do. - Anonymous

I get tired from just thinking of everything I have to do.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus. - Anonymous

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.

What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.

I eat cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere today. - Anonymous

I eat cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere today.

Life is too short to worry about matching socks. - Anonymous

Life is too short to worry about matching socks.

"Tomorrow is another day..." Oh sorry, I thought the world is ending today. - Anonymous

"Tomorrow is another day..." Oh sorry, I thought the world is ending today.

The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet. - Anonymous

The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet.

Work Quotes

My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me." - Anonymous

My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."

When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.

When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.

Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%. - Anonymous

Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.

Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. - Anonymous

Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

If every day is a gift, then today I got socks. - Anonymous

If every day is a gift, then today I got socks.

Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular? - Anonymous

Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular?

Growing up is amazing, until you get old!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never forget those who helped you along the way... Google, Wikipedia and Dictionary.