Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it. - Anonymous

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.

What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.

What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.

If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need. - Anonymous

If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it. - Anonymous

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler? - Anonymous

I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?

The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.

Wise Quotes

You're like a sharpie - super fine.

You're like a sharpie - super fine.

Short Quotes

Your cake

"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?

Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can't beat surfing the net. - Anonymous

Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can't beat surfing the net.

Think you're smart? Come over and help me with my homework.

Think you're smart? Come over and help me with my homework.

Some people have "aha" moments, I just have "Oh Seriously?" moments. - Anonymous

Some people have "aha" moments, I just have "Oh Seriously?" moments.

Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day. - Anonymous

Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day.

Life Quotes

It's a good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out. - Anonymous

It's a good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out.

I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs. - Anonymous

I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.

Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but I'm still going to keep looking. - Anonymous

Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but I'm still going to keep looking.

That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home. - Anonymous

That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home.

You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar. - Anonymous

You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.

Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.

Pros and cons for making food: Pro: Food. Con: Making.

I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same. - Anonymous

I might wake up early and do some exercise, or I might win the lotto, the odds are the same.

Exercise Quotes

Oh I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? - Anonymous

Oh I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%. - Anonymous

Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.

Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill. - Anonymous

Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.

Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet. - Anonymous

Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: Your feet or your wallet.

Better moment

There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.

I don't know what's tighter, our jeans or our friendship. - Anonymous

I don't know what's tighter, our jeans or our friendship.