Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. - Anonymous

Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.

I eat cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere today. - Anonymous

I eat cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere today.

The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet. - Anonymous

The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet.

Work Quotes

Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there. - Anonymous

Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.

My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me." - Anonymous

My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

If every day is a gift, then today I got socks. - Anonymous

If every day is a gift, then today I got socks.

Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular? - Anonymous

Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular?

Growing up is amazing, until you get old!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never forget those who helped you along the way... Google, Wikipedia and Dictionary.

Being a beaver is nice, if you're hungry you just eat a piece of your home. - Anonymous

Being a beaver is nice, if you're hungry you just eat a piece of your home.

"Don't worry you'll live." What are you a doctor or something? - Anonymous

"Don't worry you'll live." What are you a doctor or something?

It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.

I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it. - Anonymous

I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.

Stupid Quotes

Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light. - Anonymous

Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.

Moments

I am so tired ever my tiredness is tired. - Anonymous

I am so tired ever my tiredness is tired.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

A person who always disturbs you is a person who loves you.

I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now. - Anonymous

I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.

Never judge a book by it's movie - Anonymous

Never judge a book by it's movie

I'm not weird, I'm just limited edition. - Anonymous

I'm not weird, I'm just limited edition.

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone. - Anonymous

Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.