All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
One day you're 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you're 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?
If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!!
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
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