I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.
Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch... I call it lunch.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
Yesterday I really wanted tacos, and now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams!
When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don't answer because I'm eating.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you're hungry, and want to stay that way.
Nutrition labels should include an "What if I ate the whole thing" section.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
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