You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
More Quotes by Dave Barry
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
Growing up is amazing, until you get old!
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice' ?
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z - keeping your mouth shut.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown up, I know I was right.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
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