You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. I kinda want this job.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.
How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?
Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
Why shouldn't you ever iron a four leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
You know what's funny? Lots of things, so lighten up!
