Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. I kinda want this job.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...
Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?
Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
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