Why shouldn't you ever iron a four leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.
I wonder what people do with all the time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK."
What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper "Nobody cares!"
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Think you're smart? Come over and help me with my homework.
What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff. How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf. How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular?
How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Me sarcastic? Never.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
