If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Steven Alexander Wright
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
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