Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Isn't it funny that the number 2 pencil is the most popular?
Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Think you're smart? Come over and help me with my homework.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Do you ever go out, and then something happens and you think to yourself 'this is exactly why I don't go out'?
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
Do I run? Yes.. Out of time, patients and money.
Why does the bad piano player refuse to play when you offer him $100 to play? The neighbour already gave him $200 to stop playing.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings.
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
When is yelling during a robbery a bad idea? When you have gold teeth.
What if there was no Google? Good question.. I'll have to Google it.
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