Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
Why does the bad piano player refuse to play when you offer him $100 to play? The neighbour already gave him $200 to stop playing.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."
Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.
I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night.
Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.
Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
Paul Fix
There are three sides to an argument - your side, my side and the right side.
Morgan Wallace
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
Violet Matters
I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes.
