If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
Me sarcastic? Never.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT."
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?
Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper "Nobody cares!"
Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
I wonder, we lazy people go to heaven... or do they send someone to pick us up?
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning, but the hamster fell off long time ago?
What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff. How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf. How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
