If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Do I run? Yes.. Out of time, patients and money.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
You know what's funny? Lots of things, so lighten up!
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
What is the difference between having a cold beer and going to the bathroom? About 35 minutes.
I wonder, we lazy people go to heaven... or do they send someone to pick us up?
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. I kinda want this job.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings.
How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT."
What's your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
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