So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
Me sarcastic? Never.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT."
Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper "Nobody cares!"
How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
I wonder, we lazy people go to heaven... or do they send someone to pick us up?
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning, but the hamster fell off long time ago?
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff. How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf. How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
