Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?
What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?
Do I run? Yes.. Out of time, patients and money.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?
If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. I kinda want this job.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!
What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
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