Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone.
If every day is a gift, then today I got socks.
Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.
Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.
I'm on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.
Ironing boards are surf boards that quit before achieving their dream. Don't be an ironing board.
Sorry I didn't pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics.
Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day.
I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don't let me come back until I change my attitude.
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9pm or so.
I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck.
Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.
"Don't worry you'll live." What are you a doctor or something?
I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can't beat surfing the net.
I have a new hair style today, it's called "I tried."
Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous.
Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.
Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn.
Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute.
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