I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today.
Yesterday I really wanted tacos, and now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams!
Life is too short to worry about matching socks.
Me: We need to fall asleep. Brain: No, let's stay awake and think about every decision we made today.
I'm on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.
Ironing boards are surf boards that quit before achieving their dream. Don't be an ironing board.
I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.
If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
I'm not really a control freak, but... can I show the right way to do that?
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I've gained too much weight.
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute.
When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets, because stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Parenthood, the scariest hood to go through.
If every day is a gift, then today I got socks.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.
I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
You just can't live a full life on an empty stomach.
Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.
