Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends.
One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.
Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day.
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day.
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
Living on earth may be tough, but it includes a free ride around the sun every year.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.
I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment.
Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
In life, we must find happiness. I've been looking everywhere and still haven't found it.
I stretch my arms, I bend my knees, I straighten my neck, and they are all crunching. Conclusion: I'm not getting older, I'm getting more crunchy.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning", because if it was a good morning, I'd still be asleep.
If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won't feel like you are lonely any more.
