Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day.
Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
Retirement is great, you get to be your own boss and tell yourself to do nothing all day.
At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
Living on earth may be tough, but it includes a free ride around the sun every year.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.
I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment.
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.
I stretch my arms, I bend my knees, I straighten my neck, and they are all crunching. Conclusion: I'm not getting older, I'm getting more crunchy.
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
In life, we must find happiness. I've been looking everywhere and still haven't found it.
I think I've discovered the secret of life, you just hang around until you get used to it.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won't feel like you are lonely any more.
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