Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.
I'm slowly becoming an adult... please make it stop.
Whenever I have a headache I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
If you think nobody cares that you're alive try missing a couple of payments.
I'm super lazy today. It's like normal lazy but I'm wearing a cape.
I hate it when people ask me to watch their stuff. Like what happens if someone comes and actually tries to steal it? Do I have to fight them? I'm not ready.
How do you feel when the coffee machine is out coffee? Depresso.
Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm in preschool or school... Oh wait, I'm at work.
Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.
Honestly, shopping beats therapy, anytime. It costs the same and you get a dress out of it.
I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before.
Be kind to people, and if that's too much to ask for then just be weird to people. It's the least you can do.
Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous.
You have never experienced true fear until a poster falls off the wall in the middle of the night.
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
One day you're 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you're 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.
I don't want to brag or anything, but I can still fit in the earrings I wore in high school.
I hate having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a disgusted stare while I peacefully relax on the couch.
I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself, no matter what it takes.
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