Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.
I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.
Yesterday I really wanted tacos, and now I'm eating tacos. Follow your dreams!
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
Of all my body parts my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!
The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!
If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z - keeping your mouth shut.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.
When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown up, I know I was right.
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.
Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."
Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
