You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new cleaning sponge at the kitchen sink.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
I need a timeout. Send me to the beach and don't let me come back until I change my attitude.
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
That awkward shopping moment when someone is standing in front of the items you need and you pretend you're shopping for something else because they just won't budge.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
Everything happening now happens because of everything that has happened before.
Tried going out with my girlfriend but by the time she finished putting on her makeup the weekend was over.
I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night.
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.
Oh I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Dear sleep, I'm sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets, because stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
I get tired from just thinking of everything I have to do.
I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom.
I know that Einstein's theory of relativity is correct because every weekend goes by twice as fast as normal.
I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today.
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!
That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.
You know what part I like about waking up early? None.. let me go back to sleep.
I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.
