If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
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