Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours." - Anonymous

Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Analogies Love Quotes Phone

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day. - Anonymous

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.

Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers. - Anonymous

Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. - Anonymous

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Sayings Top 100

Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet. - Anonymous

Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet.

Internet Sleep Quotes

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out? - Anonymous

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave. - Anonymous

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.

Life Quotes Sayings Stupid Quotes

I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.

Sayings Think Quotes

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake. - Anonymous

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

Eat Quotes Love Quotes Short Quotes

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

Drinking Sayings

I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me. - Anonymous

I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.

Sayings Top 100

Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store. - Anonymous

Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great. - Anonymous

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.

Sayings Sleep Quotes

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

Sayings Stupid Quotes World Quotes

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double. - Anonymous

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.

Beer Quotes Drinking Short Quotes

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once. - Anonymous

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it. - Anonymous

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

People Quotes Short Quotes Statements

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. - Anonymous

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Questions Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

Animals Dog Quotes Short Quotes

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. - Anonymous

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Analogies Drinking Wife Quotes

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor." - Anonymous

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor."

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. - Anonymous

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Beer Quotes Drinking Know Quotes

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more. - Anonymous

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'

Know Quotes Stupid Quotes