A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.
Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."
Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.
Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.
I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.
Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.
Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.
No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor."
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'
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