Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.

I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me. - Anonymous

I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great. - Anonymous

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out? - Anonymous

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

Questions

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave. - Anonymous

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double. - Anonymous

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it. - Anonymous

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. - Anonymous

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once. - Anonymous

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

Stupid Quotes

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. - Anonymous

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. - Anonymous

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more. - Anonymous

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

Short Quotes

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out. - Anonymous

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert. - Anonymous

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.

Stupid Quotes

But when you fart just one time...

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

Friendship quote - Real friends walks in when the rest walk out

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep. - Anonymous

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet. - Anonymous

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.

Sayings

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills. - Anonymous

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue. - Anonymous

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.