A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.
A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.
I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it.. I'm totally flexible.
If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.
If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.
When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
It's not that I want more shoes, it's just that they keep making them in my size.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!
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