Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more. - Anonymous

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

Short Quotes

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert. - Anonymous

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.

Stupid Quotes

But when you fart just one time...

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

Friendship quote - Real friends walks in when the rest walk out

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep. - Anonymous

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once. - Anonymous

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

Stupid Quotes

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue. - Anonymous

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.

A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked. - Anonymous

A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked.

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car. - Anonymous

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.

My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. - Anonymous

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. - Anonymous

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

Sayings

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes. - Anonymous

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.

Stupid Quotes

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them. - Anonymous

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

Wise Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. - Anonymous

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice. - Anonymous

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice.

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station. - Anonymous

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.