Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me...

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. Anonymous

Sayings Top 100

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out. - Anonymous

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out. Anonymous

Life Quotes Questions Short Quotes

My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot. - Anonymous

My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot. Anonymous

How great is it to do absolutely nothing and follow it up by taking a rest. Anonymous

Lazy Quotes Short Quotes

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31. Anonymous

Sleep Quotes Top 100 Work Quotes

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed. - Anonymous

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed. Anonymous

Life Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words. Anonymous

People Quotes Short Quotes Witty Quotes

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic. - Anonymous

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic. Anonymous

Analogies Short Quotes

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria. - Anonymous

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking Stupid Quotes

That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people. - Anonymous

That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people. Anonymous

Good Quotes Moments People Quotes

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail. Anonymous

Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. I drink some beer and the world circles around me. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking World Quotes

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? - Anonymous

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes Top 100

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. - Anonymous

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. Anonymous

Exercise Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs...

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist. Anonymous

Drinking Man Quotes Sayings

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by... - Anonymous

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by... Anonymous

People Quotes Phone Stupid Quotes

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number. - Anonymous

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number. Anonymous

Lazy Quotes People Quotes Short Quotes

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Anonymous

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? Anonymous

Eat Quotes Questions Short Quotes

Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! - Anonymous

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! Anonymous

Facebook Life Quotes

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup. - Anonymous

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square? Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. - Anonymous

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. Anonymous

Top 100 Witty Quotes

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. - Anonymous

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. Anonymous

People Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

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