Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. - Anonymous

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!' - Anonymous

You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe. - Anonymous

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. - Anonymous

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck. - Anonymous

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.

Short Quotes

I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly! - Anonymous

I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do. - Anonymous

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit. - Anonymous

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit.

That awkward moment when you've said "What?" three times, so you just say "Oh, yeah.." even though you have no idea what they said. - Anonymous

That awkward moment when you've said "What?" three times, so you just say "Oh, yeah.." even though you have no idea what they said.

Moments

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or they are living it to the fullest. - Anonymous

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or they are living it to the fullest.

Life Quotes

Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me. - Anonymous

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.

Being married means mostly shouting "What?" from other rooms. - Anonymous

Being married means mostly shouting "What?" from other rooms.

If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends. - Anonymous

If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends.

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow. - Anonymous

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow.

Work Quotes

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost? - Anonymous

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure! - Anonymous

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!

My best friends are like fairy tales, they've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after. - Anonymous

My best friends are like fairy tales, they've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after.

Friend Quotes

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria. - Anonymous

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far. - Anonymous

Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far.

Sleep Quotes

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left. - Anonymous

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Wise Quotes

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

Life Quotes

Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. - Anonymous

Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

Short Quotes

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