A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.
Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.
I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend.
I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or they are living it to the fullest.
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
Beginner pilot rules:
1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively.
2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory.
3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller.
If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again.
4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash.
5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were on the ground.
6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away.
7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.
I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow.
God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.
Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.
Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.
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