Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice. - Anonymous

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice.

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue. - Anonymous

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me...

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Sayings

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. - Anonymous

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

Sayings

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on. - Anonymous

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station. - Anonymous

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great. - Anonymous

Legend says that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in someone's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them. - Anonymous

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

Wise Quotes

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge. - Anonymous

Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. - Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Good friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're there. - Anonymous

Good friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're there.

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time. - Anonymous

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

Short Quotes

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once." - Anonymous

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once."

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car. - Anonymous

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.

I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is. - Anonymous

I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. - Anonymous

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. - Anonymous

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right. - Anonymous

I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.