Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. - Anonymous

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue. - Anonymous

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.

My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked. - Anonymous

A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked.

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car. - Anonymous

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. - Anonymous

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. - Anonymous

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. - Anonymous

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.

Sayings

I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is. - Anonymous

I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes. - Anonymous

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.

Stupid Quotes

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them. - Anonymous

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

Wise Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice. - Anonymous

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice.

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. - Anonymous

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

Witty Quotes

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station. - Anonymous

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.

When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.

When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly! - Anonymous

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. - Anonymous

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink. - Anonymous

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Moments

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. - Anonymous

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. - Anonymous

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Good friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're there. - Anonymous

Good friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're there.

How was the dog's day? Ruff. - Anonymous

How was the dog's day? Ruff.