Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Me: "I need help around here!" Then me again "No, not like that, here I'll do it." - Anonymous

Me: "I need help around here!" Then me again "No, not like that, here I'll do it."

Know Quotes

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet. - Anonymous

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.

Sayings

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills. - Anonymous

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.

The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'

The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'

That annoying moment when you're texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.

Moments

My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street. - Anonymous

My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

Sayings

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird. - Anonymous

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

Short Quotes

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink. - Anonymous

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Moments

It's not that I want more shoes, it's just that they keep making them in my size. - Anonymous

It's not that I want more shoes, it's just that they keep making them in my size.

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

Sayings

If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be. - Anonymous

If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be.

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time. - Anonymous

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

Short Quotes

I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night. - Anonymous

I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night.

Sayings

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. - Anonymous

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor. - Anonymous

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake! - Anonymous

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. - Anonymous

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

Witty Quotes

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it? - Anonymous

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic. - Anonymous

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident." - Anonymous

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation. - Anonymous

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status.

I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.

If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong. - Anonymous

If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

Sayings