Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. - Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. - Anonymous

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation. - Anonymous

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on. - Anonymous

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.

Wise Quotes

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it? - Anonymous

Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake! - Anonymous

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss. - Anonymous

I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary. - Anonymous

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

Sayings

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once." - Anonymous

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once."

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.

The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.

Friend Quotes

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you're hungry, and want to stay that way. - Anonymous

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you're hungry, and want to stay that way.

I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right. - Anonymous

I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.

Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT." - Anonymous

Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT."

Questions

Me: "I need help around here!" Then me again "No, not like that, here I'll do it." - Anonymous

Me: "I need help around here!" Then me again "No, not like that, here I'll do it."

Know Quotes

The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'

The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'

That annoying moment when you're texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.

Moments

My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street. - Anonymous

My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird. - Anonymous

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

Short Quotes

It's not that I want more shoes, it's just that they keep making them in my size. - Anonymous

It's not that I want more shoes, it's just that they keep making them in my size.

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

Sayings

If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be. - Anonymous

If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be.