Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

$For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles. - Anonymous$

For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it. - Anonymous

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. - Anonymous

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket." - Anonymous

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."

Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it? - Anonymous

Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?

Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words. - Anonymous

Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition? - Anonymous

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August. - Anonymous

Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

Hold on, let me overthink this.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Statements

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me...

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Sayings

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though. - Anonymous

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first. - Anonymous

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today. - Anonymous

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it. - Anonymous

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

Work Quotes

When someone asks where you see yourself in 5 years... Buddy, I'm just trying to make it to Friday. - Anonymous

When someone asks where you see yourself in 5 years... Buddy, I'm just trying to make it to Friday.

Work Quotes

I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.

I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.

You can teach a cat to do...

You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more. - Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. - Anonymous

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Me sarcastic? Never. - Anonymous

Me sarcastic? Never.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. - Anonymous

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year. - Anonymous

I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.