Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time. - Anonymous

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

Short Quotes

I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night. - Anonymous

I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night.

Sayings

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. - Anonymous

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor. - Anonymous

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. - Anonymous

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it? - Anonymous

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic. - Anonymous

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor." - Anonymous

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor."

Witty Quotes

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident." - Anonymous

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status.

I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.

If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong. - Anonymous

If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

Sayings

For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles. - Anonymous

For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it. - Anonymous

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

Hold on, let me overthink this.

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. - Anonymous

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket." - Anonymous

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."

Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words. - Anonymous

Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition? - Anonymous

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.

I may be a beginner at some things, but I have a black belt in shopping.

Short Quotes

Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August. - Anonymous

Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

Short Quotes

"Well at least I don't have to wake up any more." Is what I want my tombstone to say. - Anonymous

"Well at least I don't have to wake up any more." Is what I want my tombstone to say.

Lazy Quotes