Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

That awkward moment when someone gets angry at you for clicking a pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it. - Anonymous

That awkward moment when someone gets angry at you for clicking a pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it.

Moments

I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before. - Anonymous

I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before.

Pilot rules

Beginner pilot rules:

1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively.
2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory.
3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller.
If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again.
4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash.
5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were on the ground.
6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away.
7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.

It was me, I let the dogs out. - Anonymous

It was me, I let the dogs out.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. - Anonymous

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I don't know about you guys, but when I have to make a decision I analyze the situation, evaluate the risk, take measures to limit the consequences and then I completely screw up. - Anonymous

I don't know about you guys, but when I have to make a decision I analyze the situation, evaluate the risk, take measures to limit the consequences and then I completely screw up.

Life Quotes

You can't run through a campground. You can only "ran," because it's past tents.

Sayings

When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done. - Anonymous

When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. - Anonymous

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks. - Anonymous

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks.

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!

I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend. - Anonymous

I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend.

Work Quotes

What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys. - Anonymous

What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.

Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else. - Anonymous

Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else.

Life Quotes

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. - Anonymous

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it. - Anonymous

I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us. - Anonymous

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it. - Anonymous

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

I think it's clear that companies making medicine have no idea what fruits taste like. - Anonymous

I think it's clear that companies making medicine have no idea what fruits taste like.

Statements

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads. - Anonymous

Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.

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