Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Now if you'll excuse me... today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears. - Anonymous

Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.

Only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 35 years until I'm done with work.

Short Quotes Time Quotes Work Quotes

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding. - Anonymous

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.

People Quotes Short Quotes Witty Quotes

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. - Anonymous

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Statements Top 100

When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets, because stressed spelled backwards is desserts. - Anonymous

When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets, because stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Eat Quotes Life Quotes

If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example. - Anonymous

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

Sayings Top 100

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now. - Anonymous

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.

Lazy Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

Facebook needs three buttons, "Like", "Dislike" and "Stop being stupid." - Anonymous

Facebook needs three buttons, "Like", "Dislike" and "Stop being stupid."

Facebook Short Quotes Top 100

Target cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for? Me: First of all, I wasn't looking for ANY of this.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever. - Anonymous

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.

Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park. - Anonymous

Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park.

Marriage Quotes Short Quotes

I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth. - Anonymous

I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.

Short Quotes Witty Quotes

Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?

Questions Stupid Quotes

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. - Anonymous

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Exercise Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before. - Anonymous

I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before.

Life Quotes Short Quotes

I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.

Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

I'm tired of adding 'LOL' to the end of my texts for sensitive people. I said what I said, deal with it.

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. - Anonymous

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Sayings Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.'

I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

Computers Top 100

Do you ever feel like your body's "check engine" light is on but you're like "nah, I'll be fine"?

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