Anonymous Funny Quotes

My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot.

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.

Happiness is eating an entire pizza in front of a friend who's on a diet.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.

Minimum wage is like work enthusiasm, it disappears quickly.

You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.

Friends are like rainbows, always there to cheer you up after a storm.

I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

If you like water then you already like 70% of me.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?