Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don't know whether to get dressed or fake an illness. - Anonymous

That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don't know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.

Moments Work Quotes

Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt. - Anonymous

Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. - Anonymous

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.

Sayings Top 100

I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon. - Anonymous

I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.

Sayings Short Quotes Statements

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake! - Anonymous

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

Sayings Short Quotes Wise Quotes

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' - Anonymous

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Funny Tree Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.

Lazy Quotes Short Quotes

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though. - Anonymous

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Short Quotes Top 100 Witty Quotes

Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.

People say "go big or go home" like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah I want to go home, and I'll have a nap when I get there.

Sayings Sleep Quotes

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem? - Anonymous

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

Top 100 Witty Quotes

Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. - Anonymous

Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

Internet People Quotes Top 100

Me watching Olympics: Woah! That was outstanding! Announcer: Another devastating mistake.

Exercise Quotes TV Quotes

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. - Anonymous

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

Life Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy. - Anonymous

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

Lazy Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let's be positive here.

One of the benefits of being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas, no make-up, and look like crap and I won't judge you.

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks. - Anonymous

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks.

Money Quotes Short Quotes Work Quotes

Just once I'd like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear "Monday has been cancelled," and then go back to sleep.

Sleep Quotes Work Quotes

The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window. - Anonymous

The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window.

Computers Short Quotes

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic. - Anonymous

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

Analogies Short Quotes

Ever looked at your ex and wondered... was I drunk the entire relationship?

Love Quotes Questions Short Quotes

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