Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us. - Anonymous

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.

Life Quotes Never Quotes Statements

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Man Quotes Questions

Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.

Eat Quotes Moments Short Quotes

Hold on, let me overthink this.

Sayings Short Quotes

When you fall, I will be there to catch you.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

Sayings Short Quotes Top 100

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. - Anonymous

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Eat Quotes Life Quotes Short Quotes

You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!' - Anonymous

You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'

Sayings Short Quotes Time Quotes

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe. - Anonymous

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.

Love Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. - Anonymous

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

Analogies Short Quotes

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck. - Anonymous

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do. - Anonymous

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.

Exercise Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit. - Anonymous

I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit.

Animals Know Quotes

That awkward moment when you've said "What?" three times, so you just say "Oh, yeah.." even though you have no idea what they said. - Anonymous

That awkward moment when you've said "What?" three times, so you just say "Oh, yeah.." even though you have no idea what they said.

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or they are living it to the fullest. - Anonymous

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or they are living it to the fullest.

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me. - Anonymous

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.

Love Quotes Sayings Top 100

Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Love Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

Being married means mostly shouting "What?" from other rooms. - Anonymous

Being married means mostly shouting "What?" from other rooms.

Marriage Quotes Short Quotes

I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.

Sayings Think Quotes

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. - Anonymous

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

People Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends. - Anonymous

If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends.

Life Quotes Math Quotes

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow. - Anonymous

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow.

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost? - Anonymous

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?

Man Quotes Questions Short Quotes

Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. - Anonymous

Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Life Quotes Questions Top 100

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

Money Quotes Short Quotes Statements