Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends. - Anonymous

If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math class... it never ends.

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow. - Anonymous

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow.

Work Quotes

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost? - Anonymous

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure! - Anonymous

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!

My best friends are like fairy tales, they've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after. - Anonymous

My best friends are like fairy tales, they've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after.

Friend Quotes

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria. - Anonymous

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far. - Anonymous

Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far.

Sleep Quotes

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left. - Anonymous

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Wise Quotes

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.

Life Quotes

Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. - Anonymous

Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

Short Quotes

The broccoli says....

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

I'm not always annoying, sometimes I sleep too. - Anonymous

I'm not always annoying, sometimes I sleep too.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours." - Anonymous

Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."

Life Quotes

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day. - Anonymous

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.

Sayings

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. - Anonymous

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers. - Anonymous

Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.

Life Quotes

Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet. - Anonymous

Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet.

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake. - Anonymous

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store. - Anonymous

Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.

Life Quotes

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