Anonymous Funny Quotes

When things get hot, they expand, so I'm just getting warmer, not gaining weight.

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection.

Don't worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?

It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get used to it it's not so hot any more.

Me: For the first time in life, things seem to be getting better. :)
Life: LOL, give me a second!

My windows aren't dirty, my dog is painting.

Learning a foreign language is pointless, I’m not even allowed to talk to strangers.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'