A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.
That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don't know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.
Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.
I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.
People say "go big or go home" like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah I want to go home, and I'll have a nap when I get there.
I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
Me watching Olympics: Woah! That was outstanding! Announcer: Another devastating mistake.
I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.
Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let's be positive here.
One of the benefits of being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas, no make-up, and look like crap and I won't judge you.
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks.
Just once I'd like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear "Monday has been cancelled," and then go back to sleep.
The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.
Ever looked at your ex and wondered... was I drunk the entire relationship?
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