Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though. - Anonymous

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Statements

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me...

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Sayings

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first. - Anonymous

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today. - Anonymous

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. - Anonymous

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it. - Anonymous

My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

Work Quotes

When someone asks where you see yourself in 5 years... Buddy, I'm just trying to make it to Friday. - Anonymous

When someone asks where you see yourself in 5 years... Buddy, I'm just trying to make it to Friday.

Work Quotes

I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.

I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.

You can teach a cat to do...

You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.

Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works. - Anonymous

Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more. - Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more.

When nothing is going right, go left. - Anonymous

When nothing is going right, go left.

Me sarcastic? Never. - Anonymous

Me sarcastic? Never.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. - Anonymous

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year. - Anonymous

I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues. - Anonymous

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! - Anonymous

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me!

The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country. - Anonymous

The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country.

Statements

Cheer myself up.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs...

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time. - Anonymous

Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. - Anonymous

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Animals

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Internet

Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money. - Anonymous

Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money.