Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink. - Anonymous

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. - Anonymous

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

Sayings Short Quotes Top 100

Good friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're there. - Anonymous

Good friends are like stars, you can't always see them but you know they're there.

Friend Quotes Good Quotes

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake. - Anonymous

I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

How was the dog's day? Ruff. - Anonymous

How was the dog's day? Ruff.

Animals Dog Quotes Short Quotes

Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account? - Anonymous

Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?

Money Quotes Questions

Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge. - Anonymous

Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge.

Funny Tree Quotes Moments Short Quotes

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. - Anonymous

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.

Sayings Top 100

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic. - Anonymous

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

Analogies Short Quotes

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. - Anonymous

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

Life Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. - Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Analogies Sleep Quotes Top 100

Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Sayings Short Quotes

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on. - Anonymous

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

Sayings Short Quotes Statements

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy. - Anonymous

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

Lazy Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss. - Anonymous

I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.

Short Quotes Work Quotes

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary. - Anonymous

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.

Facebook Short Quotes Top 100

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first. - Anonymous

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.

Animals Dog Quotes

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once." - Anonymous

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once."

Life Quotes Money Quotes Short Quotes

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. - Anonymous

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Sayings Witty Quotes Work Quotes

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

People Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.

Know Quotes People Quotes Sayings

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. - Anonymous

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

Know Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes