Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients. - Anonymous

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit. - Anonymous

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit.

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them. - Anonymous

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly. - Anonymous

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

Stupid Quotes

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take.

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.

If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.

Sayings

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. - Anonymous

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave. - Anonymous

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.

If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter. - Anonymous

If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

Newspaper Ad: Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!! - Anonymous

Newspaper Ad: Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!!

Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed. - Anonymous

Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

Sayings

This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long? - Anonymous

This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don't know whether to get dressed or fake an illness. - Anonymous

That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don't know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.

They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late. - Anonymous

They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.

Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt. - Anonymous

Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.

Witty Quotes

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let's be positive here.

Two mysterious people live in my house. "Somebody" and "Nobody." Somebody did it and nobody knows who. - Anonymous

Two mysterious people live in my house. "Somebody" and "Nobody." Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

Sayings

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge. - Anonymous

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. - Anonymous

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic. - Anonymous

Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.

Witty Quotes

And so ends another week without me getting rich unexpectedly. - Anonymous

And so ends another week without me getting rich unexpectedly.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

Questions

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