Anonymous Funny Quotes

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Never ask a starfish for directions.

Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection!

When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

It's not important to win, it's important to make the other guy lose.

Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.