Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life.... hibernation. - Anonymous

I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life.... hibernation.

Life Quotes

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work. - Anonymous

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work.

Work Quotes

But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless. - Anonymous

But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.

Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening. - Anonymous

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam - Anonymous

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam

Sayings

"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor." - Anonymous

"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."

I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years. - Anonymous

I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.

Sayings

I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious. - Anonymous

I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.

Witty Quotes

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you." Like they never heard of money. - Anonymous

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you." Like they never heard of money.

We're all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap. - Anonymous

We're all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.

Short Quotes

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them. - Anonymous

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.

When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.

Life Quotes

The trouble with living alone is that it's always my turn to do the dishes. - Anonymous

The trouble with living alone is that it's always my turn to do the dishes.

Short Quotes

I hate it when people ask me to watch their stuff. Like what happens if someone comes and actually tries to steal it? Do I have to fight them? I'm not ready.

Life Quotes

A UFO!? Quick, grab the worst camera we own.

A UFO!? Quick, grab the worst camera we own.

I'm not bossy, I just know exactly what you should be doing. - Anonymous

I'm not bossy, I just know exactly what you should be doing.

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take.

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. - Anonymous

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Work Quotes

Why do you wear glasses? My eyes are so beautiful they have to be kept behind glass, like a showcase. - Anonymous

Why do you wear glasses? My eyes are so beautiful they have to be kept behind glass, like a showcase.

Questions

What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego. - Anonymous

What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.

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