Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going. - Anonymous

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.

If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee. - Anonymous

If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy. - Anonymous

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

They call it "fell asleep" but it should be more like "entered a mental state of regeneration." - Anonymous

They call it "fell asleep" but it should be more like "entered a mental state of regeneration."

Sleep Quotes

I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.

I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.

To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.

To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.

Sayings

If only common sense were more common. - Anonymous

If only common sense were more common.

That awkward moment you can't understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times. - Anonymous

That awkward moment you can't understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.

I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car. - Anonymous

I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.

Stupid Quotes

I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows. - Anonymous

I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.

I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here. - Anonymous

I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.

Tell your boss what you really think about him, and the truth shall set you free, from your job. - Anonymous

Tell your boss what you really think about him, and the truth shall set you free, from your job.

Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living. - Anonymous

Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you. - Anonymous

I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.

Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday. - Anonymous

Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Work Quotes

It's really complicated to make something simple.

It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid. - Anonymous

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.

What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump. - Anonymous

What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.

Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.

Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man." - Anonymous

That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man."

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm in preschool or school... Oh wait, I'm at work. - Anonymous

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm in preschool or school... Oh wait, I'm at work.

Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me? - Anonymous

Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?