Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

You can trust your dog to guard your house.

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy. - Anonymous

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. - Anonymous

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

I'm in desperate need of a 6 month vacation... twice a year.

I'm in desperate need of a 6 month vacation... twice a year.

If only common sense were more common. - Anonymous

If only common sense were more common.

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

One day my wife's credit card got stolen.

One day my wife's credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!

Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life. - Anonymous

Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable. - Anonymous

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent. - Anonymous

I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent.

Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me? - Anonymous

Does anyone else have plastic bags full of plastic bags or is it just me?

I remember years ago when all I wanted is to be older. I was wrong!! - Anonymous

I remember years ago when all I wanted is to be older. I was wrong!!

Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class... none of which had anything to do with Math.

Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class... none of which had anything to do with Math.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.

When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.

Sayings

My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot. - Anonymous

My boss asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I told him if his hair keeps falling out, I'll see myself in his bald spot.

Work Quotes

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. - Anonymous

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

Me: We need to fall asleep. Brain: No, let's stay awake and think about every decision we made today. - Anonymous

Me: We need to fall asleep. Brain: No, let's stay awake and think about every decision we made today.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. - Anonymous

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here. - Anonymous

I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man." - Anonymous

That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man."

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing. - Anonymous

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation. - Anonymous

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now. - Anonymous

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely! - Anonymous

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!