I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first. Anonymous
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite. Anonymous
My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work. Anonymous
Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive. Anonymous
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted! Anonymous
Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! Anonymous
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid. Anonymous
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Henny Youngman
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories... Steven Alexander Wright
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Anonymous
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that. Anonymous
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. Anonymous