Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. - Anonymous

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

Life Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

I can't wait for that to never happen. - Anonymous

I can't wait for that to never happen.

Never Quotes Short Quotes Wise Quotes

Hmmm this text message is a little too harsh, I'll add LOL at the end. - Anonymous

Hmmm this text message is a little too harsh, I'll add LOL at the end.

Phone Short Quotes

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them. - Anonymous

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.

Life Quotes People Quotes Phone

One day my wife's credit card got stolen.

One day my wife's credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!

Marriage Quotes Money Quotes Wife Quotes

After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.

After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.

Love Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Analogies Friend Quotes Top 100

I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.

Short Quotes Work Quotes

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

Questions Sayings Top 100

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

Drinking Never Quotes Stupid Quotes

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there's a small hole in the bag somewhere. - Anonymous

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there's a small hole in the bag somewhere.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. - Anonymous

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Animals Top 100

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?

Love Quotes Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry! - Anonymous

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!

Eat Quotes Love Quotes Sayings

I'm off to club bed, featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky. - Anonymous

I'm off to club bed, featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky.

Short Quotes Sleep Quotes Wise Quotes

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes People Quotes

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. - Anonymous

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

Sayings Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

Minimum wage is like work enthusiasm, it disappears quickly. - Anonymous

Minimum wage is like work enthusiasm, it disappears quickly.

Money Quotes Short Quotes Work Quotes

What if there was no Google? Good question.. I'll have to Google it.

Questions Short Quotes

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?' - Anonymous

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

Dog Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty.

I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty. Then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes Money Quotes

I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous. - Anonymous

I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller? - Anonymous

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

Questions Top 100

It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. - Anonymous

It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.

Facebook TV Quotes Time Quotes