Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. - Anonymous

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired? - Anonymous

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand. - Anonymous

If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.' - Anonymous

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'

Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous. - Anonymous

Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous.

Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection!

Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection!

Marriage Quotes

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing. - Anonymous

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing.

I only want one thing from fake people: distance. - Anonymous

I only want one thing from fake people: distance.

Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once upon a time I was hungry, and that's what happened to all your chocolate. - Anonymous

Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once upon a time I was hungry, and that's what happened to all your chocolate.

Eat Quotes

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize. - Anonymous

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy. - Anonymous

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

Sayings

That moment you turn down the music while driving around looking for a street address, so you can see better.

Moments

Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday. - Anonymous

Don't worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Work Quotes

Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape. - Anonymous

Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.

What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.

Stupid Quotes

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. - Anonymous

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before. - Anonymous

I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before.

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on a beach drinking margaritas. - Anonymous

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on a beach drinking margaritas.

Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is. - Anonymous

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad! - Anonymous

I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones. - Anonymous

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee. - Anonymous

If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee.