Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself. - Anonymous

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it. - Anonymous

I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.

I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today. - Anonymous

I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today.

I didn't like my beard at first... then it grew on me. - Anonymous

I didn't like my beard at first... then it grew on me.

My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die, but my fat cells seem to have an eternal life. - Anonymous

My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die, but my fat cells seem to have an eternal life.

Exercise Quotes

I haven't tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor.. so I'm sure I wouldn't like Yoga. - Anonymous

I haven't tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor.. so I'm sure I wouldn't like Yoga.

Lazy Quotes

Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.

Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.

When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver. - Anonymous

When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won't feel like you are lonely any more. - Anonymous

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won't feel like you are lonely any more.

Life Quotes

Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous. - Anonymous

Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing? - Anonymous

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going. - Anonymous

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.

Men are like bank accounts.<br/>
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. - Anonymous

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?" - Anonymous

At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute. - Anonymous

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples. - Anonymous

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.

Shopping is the only exercise I need. - Anonymous

Shopping is the only exercise I need.

I don't always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don't know exactly what they do. - Anonymous

I don't always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don't know exactly what they do.

Math Quotes

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom. - Anonymous

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.

I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning. - Anonymous

I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.