Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing? - Anonymous

If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Men are like bank accounts.<br/>
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. - Anonymous

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it. - Anonymous

I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.

At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?" - Anonymous

At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"

Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute. - Anonymous

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

Shopping is the only exercise I need. - Anonymous

Shopping is the only exercise I need.

I don't always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don't know exactly what they do. - Anonymous

I don't always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don't know exactly what they do.

Math Quotes

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom. - Anonymous

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.

"Made with love," means I licked the spoon and kept using it. - Anonymous

"Made with love," means I licked the spoon and kept using it.

I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning. - Anonymous

I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.

Don't make me laugh, I'm trying to be mad at you. - Anonymous

Don't make me laugh, I'm trying to be mad at you.

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going. - Anonymous

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.

They call it "fell asleep" but it should be more like "entered a mental state of regeneration." - Anonymous

They call it "fell asleep" but it should be more like "entered a mental state of regeneration."

Sleep Quotes

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? - Anonymous

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Questions

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits." - Anonymous

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."

Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous. - Anonymous

Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous.

My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. - Anonymous

My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries! - Anonymous

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master. - Anonymous

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.

Moments