Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! - Anonymous

If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me!

Facebook Life Quotes

Life is not about how you survive the storm, it's about how you dance in the rain. - Anonymous

Life is not about how you survive the storm, it's about how you dance in the rain.

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding. - Anonymous

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.

People Quotes Short Quotes Witty Quotes

The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country. - Anonymous

The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country.

Cheer myself up.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

Moments Time Quotes

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs...

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

Drinking Man Quotes Sayings

Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time. - Anonymous

Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.

Money Quotes Statements Time Quotes

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. - Anonymous

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.

It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Animals Dog Quotes Eat Quotes

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? - Anonymous

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?

Questions Sayings Short Quotes

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right. - Anonymous

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.

Sayings Short Quotes

When I stare at the sky, I see you. When I stare out into the ocean, I see you. When I'm looking at the moon, I see you. Geez! Would you move aside, you're constantly getting in my way! - Anonymous

When I stare at the sky, I see you. When I stare out into the ocean, I see you. When I'm looking at the moon, I see you. Geez! Would you move aside, you're constantly getting in my way!

Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.

Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.

Facebook Life Quotes Time Quotes

Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.

Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.

Beer Quotes Drinking Eat Quotes

Today I started gardening... I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day. - Anonymous

Today I started gardening... I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.

I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck. - Anonymous

I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck.

Life Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.

Know Quotes People Quotes Sayings

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Anonymous

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Eat Quotes Questions Short Quotes

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

4 out 3 people struggle with math. - Anonymous

4 out 3 people struggle with math.

Math Quotes Short Quotes

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing. - Anonymous

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games. - Anonymous

A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games.

Analogies Love Quotes Phone

You're never too old to do goofy stuff. - Anonymous

You're never too old to do goofy stuff.

Sayings Short Quotes