Top 100 Funny Quotes
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Anonymous
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
Anonymous
If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.
Anonymous
I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'
Anonymous
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
Anonymous
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
Anonymous
Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'
Anonymous
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
Displayed 286-300 of 400 quotes.