Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
More Quotes by George Carlin
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
Why was the rabbit chasing the frog? Because the frog kept calling out "riaabit.. riabbit.."
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
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