Top 100 Funny Quotes

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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner

Know Quotes Questions Think Quotes
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. - Eric Morecambe
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Eric Morecambe

Stupid Quotes Witty Quotes
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Joey Adams
Love Quotes Never Quotes Sayings
I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free. - Anonymous
I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free. Anonymous
Short Quotes
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup. Anonymous
Short Quotes Stupid Quotes
When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers. - Anonymous
When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers. Anonymous
Know Quotes Love Quotes Stupid Quotes
How was the dog's day? Ruff. - Anonymous
How was the dog's day? Ruff. Anonymous
Animals Dog Quotes Short Quotes
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?' - Anonymous
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?' Anonymous
Dog Quotes Stupid Quotes
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place. Anonymous
Questions Sayings
He who laughs last didn't get it. - Helen Giangregorio
He who laughs last didn't get it.

Helen Giangregorio

Sayings Short Quotes
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
Drinking Eat Quotes Famous Quotes
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing. - Henry Louis Mencken
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.

Henry Louis Mencken

Life Quotes Sayings World Quotes
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything. Anonymous
Wise Quotes
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

Man Quotes Sayings Short Quotes
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