Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
Naked Gun (Movie)
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
Why was the rabbit chasing the frog? Because the frog kept calling out "riaabit.. riabbit.."
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing, right in your ear.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?
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