You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.
The traffic is so slow today that I read two books, ate lunch, dinner, replied to all my emails, and I still haven't got to work yet.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a shopping cart in a supermarket.
That moment you turn down the music while driving around looking for a street address, so you can see better.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
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